It's Only A Paper Punch Bowl

It may be only a paper moon sailing over a cardboard sea, like the song says - that's true. But you can also throw a New Year's party for all your rowdy friends using nothing but paper, according to this 1952 ad.

This is just what we all need to get for tomorrow night: a nice paper punch bowl that looks like an"old oaken bucket." Forget about that Waterford crystal punch bowl and the matching cups that you have stashed in the china closet.

Because on New Year's Eve you just know that someone's going to break something. But they won't be able to crack that paper bucket, now, will they? No sir, they will not.

And you know what else you can get? How about a crepe paper candlestick? Oh, don't worry! It is "fire-proofed for extra safety." And you'll have a bucket of punch to toss on the crepe paper candlestick just in case, anyway. Yes, this is going to be some party, all right.

Underwear For Arrogant Onions

How's Your Refrigerator Strategy?

Oh, it's fine thank you, how's yours? But really, it doesn't actually have a strategy, you see. Because it's an appliance and doesn't have a brain or anything. So it doesn't think. And my strategy is to just put stuff in it and keep it clean and - oh yes, and not to anthropomorphize bowls by putting underwear on them.

Pillsbury had other ideas, though. Hence this 1937 ad for oiled-silk refrigerator bowl covers called, if you can believe it - Pantry Panties.

Yes, this really could be the worst named product of the 20th century. Just because the words sound almost alike does not mean that they should ever, ever be put together in the same phrase.

Whoever wrote the ad copy just didn't think it all through, that's all. They were so pleased with their odious little phrase that they kind of lost the plot. Why else would you write that PPs are edged with "firm, live elastic" so that your "insistent fish, arrogant onions or riotous cheese" can be contained. This gives rise to all sorts of dreadful images that I am not even going to start on. Ugh.

But maybe they did realize that this was starting to sound weird and gross, because right after that they change the subject and go on and on about Pillsbury Sno Sheen Cake Flour and how amazing your every cake will be if you use it. Oh, and if there's any cake left over, you know what you can slap on it, don't you? Just make sure you keep it well away from those arrogant onions - and from the cheese riot going on on the top shelf of the fridge.

The big version is right here, if you really want to know more.

The Aristo-Mats

I hope that you are all having a great holiday. I have always liked the between-Christmas-and-New-Year's week because there's nothing to wrap, bake, or make, and there should be some leftovers in the fridge, why not have a look?

And in direct opposition to this lady from 1953, I'm glad nobody thought of giving me an Aristo-mat for Christmas.

But supposing you are cooking out in your backyard, or maybe even in outer space, out in the darkness, trying to make a turkey dinner by starlight - watch where you put that casserole dish, and mind the onions...

(And no, I don't even know what I mean by that - I'm still sort of on blogging break, and this is just pre-New Year's drivel, more or less. Still, we'll press on:)

...And suppose that your oven has a sort of radar screen attached to it (perfect for catching space debris, although that may wreak havoc with the potatoes). Wouldn't you also love an Aristo-mat to make your stove look gorgeous? And make you feel like an aristocratic lady (this is pushing it, I know)?

Anyway. You know how Freud used to ask "what do women want?" Now we know. They want "the most beautiful protection their stove tops can get!" They are made of "heavy garage steel." How beautiful is that, huh?Also they can withstand "sharp blows" which is good in case you get mad at the plum pudding.

And not only are Aristo-mats gorgeous and make you feel like you are living in a fancy palace, they will allow you to orbit the earth, cooking Christmas dinner forever.

Yay, that sounds fantastic. Beam me up, Phoenix Table Mat Company of Chicago!

Three Grand Christmas Suggestions

TJS Graphic Design Labs

Well, I haven't finished wrapping stuff, and haven't got any turkey et al yet, and we haven't even put up the tree or anything. But everything is going to be grand, because all I need to do is get in a job lot of Doublemint chewing gum.

I will hang packs of gum all over the tree. And whenever carolers show up at the door, I will hand them packs of gum. Oh, and as for all those presents I haven't got yet? No problem! Everyone will be delighted with their Wrigley's Doublemint, wrapped up in fancy paper under the gum-themed tree.

Yes, we shall have a fine Christmas, all of us chewing gum and admiring decorations made of gum, and aiding our digestion after dinner with more delicious gum. Gum one gum all!

I wish you all a wonderful, gumderful holiday!

Some Inspiring Holiday Eyeglasses

Meet Francisco de Quevedo y Villegas (18580-1645), a Spanish writer and politician of the Baroque period especially known for his poetry. And as you can see,  he was also known for his eyeglasses. Unfortunately, they are very plain - not a bit decorative or artistic. Poor Francisco! No wonder he looks so stern and out of sorts.

When he wrote "my heart, for beauty eagerly athirst" he really didn't mean he wanted to see some lady's "abundant tresses." No, I am sure that he really meant that he wanted some colorful new eyeglass frames. For us glasses wearers - Spanish baroque poets and modern folks alike - a new set of frames is as pleasing as a perfectly rhymed couplet.

Too bad Francisco was born a few centuries too early to get in on ZenniOptical's holiday frames event. But you are luckier by far:

Holiday themed eyeglasses frames from ZenniOptical are here for the season, in all kinds of festive colors and designs - all at Zenni's all-year-round excellent prices. So why not visit ZenniOptical.com and check out all the cute glasses they have that will show your holiday cheer and spirit!

I would love to buy these Christmas tree frames for all the glasses-wearers in my family. I think everyone would love some sunglasses with these frames for all those walks we like to take - even when it's really cold out. And with all the money I'd save on these holiday frames, I could also buy them some books to read with their new glasses, too. Do check out these and the other ZenniOptical holiday frames and let me know in the comments which ones you like the best. And who knows? These Christmas tree glasses might even inspire some poetry, too.

The Great Wall

Well, this is about as close as I could get these images together, but it is kind of fitting to have a little space between them because here we have a story about a Great Wall of Dishes. Too bad Mother can't join the gang in the living room to watch  - oh dear, what are they watching? Some twerp who clearly finds himself enormously funny. I don't know if you can see him looking all coy and cutesy. if not, you aren't missing much.

Mother, on the other hand, probably wouldn't care if they were just sitting there watching the test pattern. She just needs a break.

Can you imagine what sort of appetites these people have? They certainly use a lot of dishes, don't they? Why, they even use them to build room dividers. Yet there is only one armchair. And we all know who gets to sit there. So even if Mother manages to point to a Hotpoint (and how will they even see her pointing, by the way), she'll have to stand behind little Bobby and Jane.

If I were Mother, I'd also be pointing to a nice couch. Well, as I sneaked out of the house, I would. Because maybe they don't let that poor woman come into the living room, but no one ever said anything about the kitchen door, right? They wouldn't even notice I'd gone off to a nice cocktail lounge or a bar where there are lots of comfortable seats, maybe a television - and someone else to wash the dishes.

Bill Will React

Big version here

Oh, that Bill. He's such a stone face most of the time. Nothing impresses him, he never talks, he never cracks a smile. But Bill will react to this, all right.

Because he's always brushed and curried...

You know, like a horse. Maybe he is a horse.

...because of the knot of his tie and the crease of his trousers, and the way he cocks his head when I've spent hours having a hairdo.

So basically he's obsessed with his appearance - and yours. That sounds healthy and relaxing for you both. He might want to try loosening his tie, though. It will improve the blood circulation in his brain. People tend to react less when they're about to pass out, you see.

Anyway, Bill is getting shaving stuff. Some nice 1940s shaving stuff from Seaforth. Either something called a "Commando Set" (best not to ask about that one) or something called "For Better Days."

But what this lady doesn't know is that Bill...well, not only doesn't he react, he doesn't need to shave, either.

Because he is actually a fugitive on the run from Madame Tussaud's and is entirely made of wax. He's been applying fake stubble in secret with some old crepe wool and this lady's best Maybelline eyebrow pencil.

So he won't react, lady - not exactly. But maybe pretending to shave will give him a few Better Days. Just make sure he doesn't get too near the Christmas candles.

A June Tan For Christmas

Westinghouse never made their sun lamps more compelling as holiday gifts than in this dramatic 1952 advertisement. Sure, it cost $8.50 for the sun lamp - oh, and you simply must buy the sun lamp holder for 35 cents extra, unless the beaming dork on the left is going to hold the thing up to you. But it is oh so worth it, sweetie darling! Just consider this:

--The ad says that you will look like you're "just back from Bermuda." Wealthy, jet-setting, ineffably fancy. So do talk about the cruise ship, and how you and the Duchess of Windsor exchanged fashion tips - she showed you how to use just enough rubber cement to glue the Duke's grimacing smile into place (it seems to work, as we can see). Oh, and the pink sand beaches were divine! Pretend that the postcards you sent everyone simply got lost in the terrible crush of holiday mail, my dear.

--You will inspire guys to make faces of highly exaggerated, hubba-hubba type surprise as you all dance in your seafoam-green living room.You redid it to remind you of the sparkling waters off - well, off Bermuda. Ah, such a divine place to go to in the winter. How you miss it!

--But best of all, look just look at the effect you are going to have on your so-called friend Margie! Poor, pale, suburban Margie. Don't look now, dear, but - well, I think you might be in a tiny spot of danger, darling. Make sure you hid the sun lamp before Margie goes to the powder room and starts going through all your things. Actually, you'd better hide all the Westinghouse appliances. Just to be on the safe side. It's what the Duchess of Windsor would do.

An Excellent Tonic

It really is amazing, what the right medicine can do. This cheery advertisement from 1916 illustrates the point beautifully, doesn't it? The smiling young fellow's friend doesn't even recognize him, he looks so well after taking Malt-Nutrine, the amazing "liquid-food-tonic" made, oddly enough, by the Milwaukee beer manufacturers Anheuser-Busch. No, Malt-Nutrine wasn't beer, of course - it wasn't alcoholic at all, according to the fine print. And you could find it in almost any drugstore.

Back in 1916 this cheery man was lucky to find just what he needed at the local pharmacy. Of course he had to make the trip downtown to get there, and that could cost you a lot of time, and streetcar fare - to say nothing of then having an extra errand to do.

Now, thanks to online pharmacies, the druggist quite literally can come to you. There are some great places online where you can shop for over the counter drugs right in your own home, without having to go out if it's cold and snowy or just as grey and miserable as the non Malt-Nutrined friend on the left probably is (we can't see his face, but if we could, I'll bet he'd look pretty worn down).

If you visit a good online pharmacy, you can easily buy nexium or buy lipitor or any other prescription medicines that you may need. And online pharmacies can also educate you about things like side effects and drug interactions, things you need to know. There are usually customer service phone lines, too, so you can talk with someone if you need to know something specific. And they will be glad to help you order the medications you need to help you feel as wonderful as the Malt-Nutrine man back in 1916.

Heavenly Jellied Cells

If only I could think what this strange 1940s gelatin dessert (the one on the right, just so we're clear about it) reminds me of. Something in nature, I believe. Something that you might see in science class. Not on your plate at the dinner table, certainly.

It isn't just the shape of it, or the clear gelatin that bothers me, though they do. It is the fact that those peach halves are whole, and look like eyes, or ameobas, or cells - or something.

Say, maybe it is a dessert for scientists. It kind of reminds me of the cells there on your left, which according to dear Wikipedia. have been stained and stuck under a microscope. Do not stick the Heavenly Peaches under a microscope, though. It will lead to nothing good. Let's just leave it alone and maybe it will go away, back to the strange dimension it came from.

I'm sure that you could recreate the real cells with red Jell-O and green candied cherries. Or the reverse. How festive that would be for the holidays!
Or maybe not.

Whatever it is, this strange geometric clear cellular dessert thing, Hunt's does not actually tell you how to make it. Perhaps they sense that no one will ever want to do this. We'll be back to more kitschy holiday posts this week, for sure. I'll try and keep candied cherries and amoebas out of them, too.*

*Well, definitely no amoebas, anyway.

The Engaging Diamond Engagement Ring

Meet Mary of Burgundy, the first known recipient of a diamond engagement ring. In 1477, Maximilian I, the Holy Roman Emperor, her fiancé, sent her a magnificent ring as a pledge. The engagement ring or betrothal ring had been known since the Middle Ages, but Mary's was the first to feature this remarkable gemstone, even though diamond engagement rings didn't really become popular, until the mid to late 19th century.

Diamonds were prized from the earliest times - did you know that the very earliest printed book, way before Gutenberg and his printing press, was the 9th century Chinese Diamond Sutra? Diamonds have been said to possess all sorts of powers in addition to the power of their beauty. They were said to assure victory in battle to anyone wearing or carrying a diamond. They protected the wearer off the battlefield, too, against diseases such as the plague - and spells cast against someone wearing a diamond would fail, too. And did you know that it was once believed that if you swallowed a diamond, your throat would never be sore and scratchy?

But even if diamonds don't protect you from illness or help you win lawsuits and battles, their beauty and brilliance is enough to make them attractive as jewelry. And the diamond jewelry you enjoy wearing now will someday be a precious heirloom to pass down to your children.

Whiteflash diamond jewelry is particularly impressive. Whiteflash is the first company in the US to sell the gorgeous and very special Hearts and Arrows diamond as well as many "super ideal cut" diamonds - all available online. The Hearts and Arrows effect is seen in certain specially cut round brilliant cut diamonds. When cut this way, very precisely, you can actually see 8 hearts and 8 arrows in the diamond if you use special magnification. And Whiteflash is the only place to find these in the US.

 Whiteflash specializes in the round ideal cut diamond, a type that they are expert at producing and selling.  Also, Whiteflash can help get you that handcrafted one-of-a-kind engagement or wedding ring that you want, in platinum or gold; they have all sorts of custom designs and specialty jewelry, even engagement rings pave. You can even purchase loose diamonds, if you are a jewelry-maker and want to create your own piece.

There's a wide selection of terrific-looking diamonds which I've very much enjoyed looking at. I certainly will keep them in mind for when I sell a book and make some extra money - that would be just the time to treat myself, don't you think? And maybe my diamond will be like that of a long-ago princess from Luxembourg who, it is said, owned two diamonds which were able to reproduce themselves.* That would be something, wouldn't it?

*I found this tidbit (and a lot more besides, that I didn't have room to include) in the Encyclopedia of Superstitions, Folklore and the Occult Sciences of the World, by Cora Linn Daniels and C.M. Stevens, originally published 1903, reprinted in 2003.

Get Toasted With Joan Crawford

Well, look who's here! It's the 1937 edition of Miss Joan Crawford, complete with a black fuzzy muff, a stunned-looking white toy Scottie dog and a carton of Luckies.

One can only hope that the people behind that door have been cleaning, polishing silverware, cooking gourmet dishes and practicing their best company smiles. And are ready for anything. 

Lucky Strikes were first made in the 1870s and they were originally chewing tobacco - the cigarette Luckies came later. The classic Lucky Strikes red and white packaging didn't appear until 1942 - this ad is from 1937 - so the box is green and gold, the original Lucky Strike colors. The classic Lucky slogan of this era was "It's toasted!" Well, wouldn't you be, if Joan was standing on your doorstep?

The Gallery of Graphic Design on Flickr has a whole lot of old Lucky ads - a lot of which feature people standing in front of very large tobacco leaves while they study one leaf with amazed smiles. They all seem rather loopy in an unnerving way, so excited about a big, dry-looking yellow leaf.

But none of them are quite as terrifying as Joan Crawford, who - though she would never deign to examine leaves - has a mysterious tobacco-driven agenda. That dreamy yet steely gaze she has as she raps on the door - what can she be planning? Whatever she has in mind, just make sure she makes like a Lucky and gets a little toasted. It might help.

The Cake of the Gods

The Rotarian, November 1922

Made the Ward Way, as only Ward knows how.

Yes, when they celebrate Christmas up on Mount Olympus*, and Zeus has finished carving the goat and they've fished Dionysus out of the wine amphora and Athena has bored everyone with a lecture on philosophy - then Hera brings out a Ward's Paradise Fruit Cake, and there is much rejoicing and playing of lyres and there are libations toasting Ward and all his baking minions down on earth.

In other words, this is probably the best fruitcake that ever was. Ever! Consider these salient (and possibly half-baked) points about this 1920s delicacy:

1. It is baked by "the world's greatest bakers." Say no more. But wait, there is more:

The Cats Pajamas 

2. It is made the "Ward way, as only Ward knows how." Yes, Ward in his Ward's Paradise knows the esoteric mysteries of fruitcake. And what they might be, Ward only knows.

"Goat and Fixins and then - Yum Yum!"

3. It is an "ideal Christmas gift for any man or woman" - whether they like fruitcake or not. All your gift-giving problems solved, just like that!

4. It is wrapped in glassine paper (you can reuse the glassine to store your stamp collection, or firecrackers, or something).

5. You also get a gorgeous metal gift box lined with "lace paper and an embowed doily." Tell me the last time you saw an embowed doily! It's worth getting the cake just for this reason alone.

6. Now, if you are west of the Mississippi or in Canada you have to pay a dollar more, but hey, this is the Cake of the Gods.

*Yeah, I know it's anachronistic and doesn't make sense, etc. But still.

Real Gift Excitement

Mother and Skip must have got into the rum-laced eggnog a little bit early on Christmas morning. It's the only way to explain their facial expressions - happy, glazed-as-a-doughnut contentment - as they contemplate Father.

This kind of "real gift excitement" is not something I ever, ever want to see in real life. Why, he's pointing that Weller power tool straight in the direction of his loved ones - the people who just gave him that thing! I don't think he means any harm. But you can just tell he shouldn't be anywhere near a soldering gun, or a homecrafter kit, or - Heaven forbid - a power sander.

Two hours later he's soldered all of Mother's earrings together. And the silverware is now a garland of forks and spoons - perfect for the tree, except that it's so heavy the tree fell over. Please, someone, distract him with another gift - like a tie - before he notices all the tin cans in the pantry.



[Advertisement from Popular Science, December 1960.]

Celery and Celerina

1889 Celerina advertisement

People have been taking medicines for anxiety for a long time; back in the Victorian era, people called it nerves and took nerve tonics to calm themselves. One of the many remedies available back then was Celerina, which (it won't surprise you) was primarily made from celery. Celery was a popular nerve-calmer and tonic ingredient back then; the most famous of these is probably Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda, first made in the 1860s in Brooklyn, New York.

Celerina had other things besides celery in it, though. It also contained coca (yes, as in cocaine), kola (the caffeine-rich nut of the kola tree, still an ingredient in classic Coca Cola), and herbs, specifically viburnum and some unnamed "aromatics."

According to one medical writer*, Celerina contained celery extract, coca, kola extract, alcohol, sugar and "spirit orange," which was a dye also used to color fabrics and wood. Celery was a folk remedy for pain and has sometimes been considered to be an aphrodisiac. It also contains tons of calcium and fiber and is a favorite snack for dieters and the health-conscious in general.

Celerina was made in the late 19th century by the Rio Chemical Company in New York City. Though many tonics were geared towards delicate women, Celerina was made to appeal to stressed-out professional men such as "Lawyers, Preachers, Writers and Business Men." 

Today antidepressants such as Paxil serve a similar purpose although if you have experienced side effects you can engage in a paxil lawsuit with the aid of a paxil lawyer. Ideally your lawyer will be full of bracing energy and health, just as if he had had a draught of Celerina - or just eaten some celery, which - because it is full of fiber and nutrients - is even better.

*Charles Wilmot Oleson in Secret Nostrums and Systems of Medicine (1890), p. 38.

A Trip To Columbia, South Carolina

The Seibels House

The Seibels House in Columbia, South Carolina (also known as the Hale-Elmore-Seibels House) is the oldest house that remains in that city, which was founded at the end of the 18th century. It is at 1601 Richland Street, and was built about 1796. The Seibels House is now a museum and home to the Historic Columbia Foundation.

In 1786, a decade before the Georgian Seibels House was built, South Carolina officially became a state - and Columbia, being in the center of that state, became its new capital. The town was designed with beautiful wide streets in a two-mile square grid, which still gives it a grand, open feel.

Columbia, South Carolina is a small city of about 130,000 people; and it is considered to be one of the best places in the US to retire (according to CNN and US News & World Report in 2007 and 2009, respectively). It's also home to the University of South Carolina and boasts a newly restored historic downtown area, the Congaree Vista, overlooking the Congaree River.

A view of the beautiful Congaree Vista district

Now, looking at beautiful historic properties might put you in the mood for looking at some Columbia real estate of your own. And if you can't get down to South Carolina right this minute, you can check out some Northeast Columbia homes for sale online.

There are many historic properties in Columbia, and if you happen to be there over the holidays there are special walking tours you can go on. I would love this, because restored houses and house museums are just about my favorite kind of museum. I've never been to Columbia, but after a look at the Seibels House and pictures of the Congaree Vista - it's now on my go-to list for sure.

"So Richly Exciting": The Incredible Chocolate Morocco Cake

1940 advertisement; big version here

This is not a cake made in Morocco, or anywhere else in North Africa. I don't know why it's called Morocco Cake but I suspect that the reason has something to do with making it sound more interesting. Like on a menu when they call (for example) macaroni and cheese "Imported Handmade Pasta Enrobed in Our Finest Aged Cheddar Sauce." That is what I'm planning on calling it next time I make it. That'll impress everyone, I'm sure.

And after I will dish out Crisp Seasonal Apples Baked with Our Secret Blend of Spices (cinnamon dumped on top) and lavished with a topping of oats and caramelized demerara sugar. That's apple crisp to you.

So it is with Morocco Cake, I believe. It is - are you ready? - plain chocolate cake with raisins. It is iced with whipped cream flavored with cocoa and chopped raisins and nuts. It sounds quite nice. But it is not the "richly exciting" dessert Miss Perky at the top of the ad calls it. But still. Not a huge pain to make, either, like her neighbor thinks:

"Look," I said to the woman next door,
"Party refreshments need not be a chore!"

No, dear, but listening to the neighbors handing out advice certainly can be.

[P.S. I'm going to post the recipe up on FoodBuzz: here's the link.]