Moon Over Amami

Well, if you are wanting to buy up any of the last bottles of Amami setting lotion, you had better hurry. I read it in the Daily Mail, you see. Yes, I read the Daily Mail - I like to keep up, you know.

So you'd better make sure you hurry straight over to England because that's where they are selling the Last Bottles of Amami. Yes, the very setting lotion that we've made fun of right here (though only once I see, not nearly enough!) was still being made up until - right now! I didn't know. And now it is too late.

What is Amami, I hear you asking (not really)? It is a quick-setting curling lotion and conditioner. It is "the secret of round-the-clock grooming." And of being "Neat in the Kitchen" (just don't peek in the sink, or the oven).

So that's the big secret! That is why I look so horrendous and frizzy-haired at 6 am: lack of Amami. You see, Amami is something that "clever wives, wise to their husbands' admiration" use pretty much all the time. Which lets me out right there. That really is too clever for me, especially at 6 am. I'm not even wise to where the coffee is (wherever it is, it needs to be closer) or what the horrible scratching noises are (that would be our cats, hinting that they would like breakfast).

But anyway: in honor of Amami, I thought we ought to do an advertisement about it today. And another bad-pun title (there were so many that sprang to mind: the Amami Blogger, Amami Knows Best, Just Amami - but I went for something a little different).*

And in hunting for Amami ads, I stumbled upon a fabulous, terrific site called History World, which I highly recommend - why, there is even an Ad Museum! So you can imagine that just like Christmas morning for me, over there. The link to this 1953 Amami ad is from History World, right here.

*Moon Over Miami was a 1935 song, a 1941 movie with Betty Grable, a 1990s TV show and a breakfast dish more commonly known as Egg In the Basket (it is a piece of toast with the center cut out, in which reposes a fried egg). None of which have a thing to do with setting lotion - though maybe we could pretend that Betty Grable used it on her blond curls.

A Million Socially Popular Babies

It's a well-known fact that you can't really sell Dr. West toothpaste to babies, or Palmolive soap, or Halo shampoo - all the things that ensure social success for the grown-ups.

Yet the babies are also concerned about their standing in society. Even if they aren't exactly standing.

You can sit there and chew on your dress all you like, but the real mark of a Socially Popular Baby is whether it is wearing fashionable "Duxkin" Baby Pants. I do not know what "Duxkin" is nor why it requires quotation marks. Must be an in-joke with 1940s babies. All I can think of is "duck skin," but surely one does not instantly equate duck skin with either comfort or poise.

Having said all that, unless Empire Shield nylon is the most incredible sound/aroma barrier ever invented (sort of the fabric version of triple-paned windows plus Tupperware) - I don't think these pants are really going to deliver on their social promise, do you? No matter how much testing went on in the Empire Shield laboratory (and what fun it must have been to work there, on the frontiers of Nylon Pant Science).

[From LiveJournal.]

The Swellest Sunday Morning Treat in the World

Ed is pretty darn excited about his Sunday fun. He's showing off his cankles, and he's all spiffed up in his three piece suit, ready to chat.

But his neighbour Tom has not, I suppose, had any Postum yet. And therefore does not see what fun it would be to be in Ed's slippers (I am not sure that it ever would seem like fun, but never mind). So Tom is going to stay perfectly calm until he gets the whole story:

I can't get very excited 'til I learn what this swell treat was!

Tom needs details, you see. Heaven knows what he's expecting to hear about. But probably not something like - bran muffins:

Piping hot bran muffins, made with 40% Bran Flakes! Man, were they good!

Ed is on a mission. He must tell people about how much he liked his bran muffins. He goes into a whole lecture about bran and regularity and - well, just head over to the larger version (link below) if you'd like to learn what Ed did. And "Mrs. Ed"* chimes in, reminding Tom that Bran Flakes are on sale!

It takes a few months - and we won't be inquiring too closely into that - but Tom, of course, does what he's supposed to, buys the flakes, eats a LOT of bran and - yes, happiness all around! More hysterical excitement. Soon the whole neighborhood will be dancing and singing and extolling bran - just like those Viagra commercials from a few years ago. Wow, who knew bran was so incredible?

And not are only the people happy - even the cereal bowl can't help breaking into song down at the bottom. It's the Ethel Merman of whole grains: "Life is swell - when you keep well!"  It's a good thing those Bran Flakes are only 40%. Imagine what they'd be doing - and doing to you! - if that percentage was any higher.

*Which makes the Bran Guy "Mr. Ed," right? I guess this is the result of all those bran muffins.

[From Life, July 24, 1939; bigger version here. Oh, and I had to change the title because I already used it, last year...I knew it sounded familiar! The guy in the 2009 Branderful Life post was excited about 100% Bran - please note that he is a Disembodied Head, too - not sure what to make of that...]

The Nervy Neighbours

So I have these neighbors, Millie and Madge.

And they make me nervous, because - well, my goodness, look at them. See Millie there on the left, pretending to be sweet as pie? Don't be fooled. She's telling me about a screaming fight she had with Sissy Sassafras, who's in her bridge club - who actually dared to refuse second helpings of Millie's famous canned vegetable and gelatin pie.  

The nerve! The absolute nerve of that hussy! I told her blah blah blah blah and then she said blub blub blub blub and then well I just came right back, I didn't hesitate, I said right to her face, I said - say, are you listening to me, dear? Well? Are you?

You get the picture.

And then we have Madge. She doesn't even try to hide her opinion under a layer of sugar frosting - she just sits there and gives a person the Hairy Eyeball. See? See her staring at me? And she won't talk much, just harumphs and sighs like you were sticking pins in her and making her drink lemon juice instead of Postum. Huh. That's a thought, you know. But Postum reminds me - yes, Postum...

My doctor thinks Postum will help me in these situations. After I stopped laughing hysterically, I told him I needed something to calm me down and keep me from beaning the neighbour ladies over the head with one of Jim's socks. Preferably one full of - of - of -

You know what I mean...Yes. Well. Anyway -

So the doctor just chuckled - good thing I didn't have a sock full of something-or-other with me right then! - and said it was a case of Too Much Caffeine that was making me so cranky.

He can call it Caffeine or anything he likes. All I know is, I was hiding behind the curtains whenever Millie or Madge (or heaven help me, both of them at once) rang the doorbell. Ding-dong!  I would put on a deep fake voice and say in a gruff, crabby-husband way, "Nobody's home."

I don't think I fooled them though, because the first time I did it, Madge said, "Well, then, who are you?"

"This is Boopsie, the German shepherd," I growled -  and then I barked a few times, for effect.

So now they keep asking me where Boopsie is. In this lovely picture - right up at the top there, see? - I am telling them he is right here, in the sugar bowl. And from their reaction to this, I have a feeling they won't be back any time soon - don't you? And it's all thanks to Postum - somehow.

[From the Digital Collections at Duke University.]

The Grateful Sted Head

Well, up in Canada they know
How to make evil dandruff go;
On falling hair they have a ban
From St. John's to Saskachewan
And way out west in far Vancouver
A guy can make some smooth manoeuvre
Without the fear that his toupee
Might fly off to Yellowknife someday.

These lucky old Canadian guys
Have some strange potion or device
That gives them confidence and hair
On heads that once were tundra-bare.
All hail American Sted Pitt
Who though down south, got wind of it!
His friends thank him both night and day
For lovely locks that came to stay.
They do not mind a tumbled bedhead,
Better than baldness is a Sted head.

So steady on, American men
Luxuriant hair will grow again;
Just take that dollar you've been savin'
And send it to Sted Pitt in New Haven.
What is Sted's method, you may ask?
Let's summarize this simple task:
Just cut a hole in a dollar bill
And stick it on your head at will
No one will notice that you're bald -

That's not the first thing you'll be called.

[This 1931 advertisement is from Modern Mechanix, which is a cornucopia of wonders...]

The Cough Drop and the Swan

And you thought a cough drop was just to stop you from - um, coughing. Well, think again! Because these incredible green Chlorophyll Cough Drops do so much more.

This is because they are "richly medicated." And also they are refreshing. And while you are being both medicated and refreshed, that little green cough drop will be doing three, count 'em, three Important Things for you:

1. That stuffy nose you have will clear up right away - and that, by the way, is not a symptom of a cold. It is because you seem to have a long-necked white swan nesting in your gullet. That's a little strange.

2. Raspy cough? Hey, not a problem. These are cough drops after all. That's the point of them. But the guy there in the middle picture seems to have swallowed his cough drop. Don't do that! The swan down in your throat doesn't have a cough, does he? But he does have red dots all over him. Could be chicken pox. Or swan pox (best not to dwell on all that, of course, it won't make you feel any better). Oh, just send a cough drop down, it'll probably cure that, too.

3. And finally, Smith Brothers cough drops take away your bad breath. See, the picture on the right is a dramatization of this. Sort of. Because the lady does not look convinced. Either that or she doesn't like the scent of chlorophyll all that much. The guy is really into it though - look at him. He's really happy. Guess the swan is feeling better now.

[From Life, September 29, 1952, giant version here.]

Once Upon A Cowbell

Fake books with title-free covers? Check. Lighting fixtures that are in danger of plonking right onto the froofy headboards? Check. A big pretend yawn for the camera which has wandered into the bedroom? Oh, yes, check!

Also: why do these people have cows on their night table?Or horses, maybe they are horses. But still. Why?

And why does he have a bell on his side? When he rings, is she supposed to jump up and get him some bedtime milk and cookies? Answer: Probably. This is why she's pretending to yawn: soon she will be pretending to be so fast asleep that she cannot hear that cow bell (insert "needs less cowbell" joke right here).

So maybe the little man inside the mattress can go get it the milk and cookies. He doesn't seem to be doing anything much except pointing.

From Life, October 31 1949; bigger version here.

House of Fashion Secrets

The mysterious aliens had a hidden agenda. They would not rest until every man in Gotham City was wearing a red suit, white socks and brown shoes.

"We will lure them with piles of patently fake-looking bright green money, and disco balls from the future," one of the aliens cackled.

"And also cheap yet glittering costume jewelry, including of course a plastic tiara from the dollar store," laughed another.

"Yes, they will soon be wearing bright red pants that are slightly too short in the leg, ha ha!"

"Soon our fashion domination of Earth shall be complete!"

Then a third alien, who had been thinking in the corner of the spaceship (which was shaped like a freestanding boutique at a mall), spoke up. "Yeah, but then what? So they're all wearing red suits. And that makes us powerful because --?"

"Because - because...we will also turn their stupid downtown buildings bright pink, that's why!" Which made, of course, no sense at all. But everyone agreed that it was the only plan anyone had been able to come up with.

And so they lowered their fishing lines of sartorial doom...

From Cover Browser.

A Del-Ray of Sunshine

I don't have a lot of time today so I'm sending you all this beautiful postcard.

It is from the Del-Ray Motel on Route 40 a little bit west of Indianapolis. Isn't this an enchanting place?*

The pastel-tobacco tiled walls! The brown and yellow floor! They contrast so nicely with the mint green of the glass desk, the beds and the bolted-to-the-wall night table.

Best of all, the room seems to come with a strange guy who will show you exactly where the bed closest to the door is. He is wearing his best Fred Mertz pants, belted just under the armpits.

You can use that wall phone to book another motel room. Fred will point out the door, his smile barely wavering (though it may indeed waver, so proud he is of this splendid room) as you leave.

*I'm not here, though. But maybe some day!

[From WMFU's Beware of the Blog (it's on Flickr and some other places, too).]

Here's To You, Mrs. Miller

Have you ever heard of the fabulous Mrs. Elva Miller (1907-97)? In the mid 1960s she had a brief period of fame for singing all sorts of well-known pop songs and absolutely making them her own. She sings like no one else I have ever heard.

She was discovered around 1960 through a self-financed single she made. She was featured on Garry Owens' radio show after that (he produced Laugh-In in the late 60s) and was signed to Capitol Records in 1965.

She had a brief period of popularity due to her singing being so - unique. At first of course the poor lady thought she was being heralded for her good diction, but to her credit, once she realized that her fame was for other reasons, she went along with the joke and deliberately missed the beat. But as the Wikipedia article says, "she was capable of skipping beats and missing cues all by herself," too.

She put out several albums, which include her interpretation of Beatles songs like "A Hard Day's Night" and "Yellow Submarine." She did quite a version of "Downtown," the 1966 Petula Clark hit. And a stunning version of "These Boots Are Made For Walking."

There are some good clips over at YouTube. It was very hard to choose which ones to present here. Seriously, Mrs. Miller is amazing. Here is her unique interpretation of "A Hard Day's Night":



And here's "Let's Hang On," originally sung by Frankie Valli:



Album cover is from Frank's Vinyl Museum.

The Pull'N Clean Queen

From now on, this is how I plan to clean the oven:

1. Put on plaid vintage dress and gold plastic crown.

2. Make sure I have a pink oven. If not, order one! I can give orders, I am the Queen:

Fetch me a pink oven at once, minions! Better redo the whole kitchen in pink, while you're at it. And make it snappy, I have some regal poses to strike!

Yes, Your Majesty, coming right up.

Oh, and also I'd like a cappuccino and some Crown Jewels as long as you're going out. I like amethysts and pink diamonds, don't forget.

3. Once that's all been sorted out, I will pull out the Pull Out Thingie on the oven, raise my sponge and smile.

That's it, that's all you've got to do.

[From Vintage Ad Browser.]

Next time, I'm going to make fun of an album cover, I think. Or a postcard. Why should advertisements have all the fun?

My New Pencil Pal

Back in the day, this was all you needed to be popular in grade school. Apparently. And it does look sort of fun, but aren't these children a little old for toy pencil sharpeners? And where is the teacher while this is going on? I know that most of my grade school teachers would not have stood for all this pencil-sharpening fun.

This does not look like an open classroom, which is the only place I can imagine a scene like this. But my open classroom (4th grade, circa 1971) had no desks, because that wasn't groovy. You had to move around the room doing whatever you felt like doing and fill in a contract at the end of each week saying what you did. I played Monopoly mostly. Didn't need a pencil for that.

Actually, I would have loved a Snoopy pencil sharpener. I can tell you one thing though: I would have kept it at home. Because my friends would have laughed their heads off and teased me for the rest of the year for lugging a TOY to school.

I did have a piggy bank that looked exactly like this pencil sharpener - still have it, except the rubber plug at the bottom, which was where you got your money out eventually, has disintegrated, thus rendering it useless as a financial tool.

I would also like to know why the hero of the ad has short sleeves in the beginning and long sleeves after that - it looks like the same shirt otherwise. Did he have some sort of tailoring mishap involving the pencil sharpener? Yeah, I have no idea what that means either.

Many thanks to Comic Book Ads for this one, which is probably from the early 1970s.

The Lustre-Creme and I

Deborah Kerr, oh Deborah Kerr*
What has happened to your hair?

When you were in The King and I
Did you feel anxious to espy

The chromium domain of Yul Brynner
And panic that your hair grew thinner?

His lustrous pate made you fair game
For buying stuff with a far-fetched name.

Behold, this tube of Lustre-Creme
Is like the crux of a bad dream:

No radiant shine, no silky set
Can come from squeezing that Tubette

Of what is just some plain shampoo
Which, though it cleanses, is not new

And though it made your red hair clean
Does not impart the slightest sheen.

Your rueful gaze and drab expression
Makes plain your silent sad confession

That soap does not transfigure hair:
Conditioner might, though, Deborah Kerr.

******

* Deborah Kerr (1921-2007) was a well-known Scottish-born actress, best known for pictures such as The King and I and From Here to Eternity. Her name, apparently, was pronounced to rhyme with car. But let's pretend we don't know that, OK? And also Lustre-Creme does not rhyme with King. I know, I know. That's all I've got today, though!

Oh wait:

Deborah Kerr, oh Deborah Kerr
With Lustre-Creme you went too far

And though you are a movie star
You look as though you took a bar

Of Ivory Soap or a jumbo jar
Of shampoo from the Cheapo Bazaar

For if you think your hair glows bright
You may amend that thought tonight

You might as well apply soap of coal tar
Than Lustre-Creme, oh Deborah Kerr.

[OK, now I'm really done. Promise. Over and out!]

[Many thanks to Vintage Scans for this ad from Woman, October 20, 1956.]

Danger For Breakfast!

Mary is having a lousy day all right. First John yells at her because Billy is "mopey" and sickly. And then she sees an ad about how, if you do not give your dear children Cream of Wheat, you are exposing them to Double Danger. Not just one danger, two!

The shopkeeper isn't really helping either. Oh sure, he'll hand over some Cream of Wheat. But he says "I guess most of my customers are good mothers" - haven't seen you in here lately, Mary! Guess that means you are a  Bad Mother. But thank goodness there are 40 helpings of Cream of Wheat in that little box.

Billy stuffs down about 38 of them the next morning and - well, guess what? As soon as he starts eating that pasty stuff, he's happy! And John's happy - which is refreshing, because he really can be quite a sourhead when he gets the notion.

As for Mary's - well, she's relieved. Because some dude in the last panel stops his car to talk to John about how now Billy is "beginning to look like an All-American" (key word: beginning). Now, I think they mean All-American as in some kind of athlete, right? But it has that double meaning, just like Double Danger: not feeding your kid library paste cereal is tantamount to harboring a Communist cell in your dining room. Dodged a bullet there, all right.

And do check out the Jolly Game that Freddy and Fran - Billy's compatriots - are playing down at the bottom of the page. It's like the people who try to stuff down 600 hot dogs in 15 minutes - only you play it with Cream of Wheat. Oh, that does sound enchanting.

Many thanks to TJS Labs for this wonderful cartoon ad from a 1933 Good Housekeeping. The terrifyingly big version is right this way.

The Selling Punch

Nearly everything sells better
In an acetate window box -
New potatoes, old tomatoes,
Navy blue nylon socks,

Whatever kind of product
You are pushing in the store
Just stick it in a windowed box
You'll sell a thousand more!

That Sunny Doll, however,
Would like to get out of there
The sun is shining in her eyes
And damaging her hair,

Because it's like a sauna in there
And acetate gets too hot
Unless you're a piece of jerky
Or a dried up apricot,

Remember, they said that nearly
Everything sells better in celanese
They didn't mean mouse traps or old shoes
Or milk or cottage cheese.

And so this ad reminds us all
The word "nearly" is very cool,
It saves an silly ad with an
Exception to the rule.

[From Vintage Ad Browser.]

The Cerealist

I plan to stay put,
And not come out of my tree
Until breakfast's done.

Sure, Eggs Benedict
And assorted fresh muffins
Are a nice daydream -

But must everyone
Stare at me with weird bright eyes
Expecting pancakes

And not just pancakes
But also Belgian waffles,
Strawberries and cream,

Pastries decanted
From some mythical oven -
Seriously, folks!

Low expectations
Make for much better mornings:
Grab a teeny box,

Behold: Post Toasties!
Flakes of Corn and of Grape Nuts!
And do not ask me

Why no Grapes or Nuts
Any funny talk like that
And you shall be toast -

Then I'll be going
Back up to my tree again -
Must grab coffee first.

[Life, July 25, 1949.]

The Lap Of Efficiency

 A little business advice comes to you this morning from this delightfully informative, English, 1950s desk chair ad. It is packed with useful pointers about how to get ahead on the job.

As all executives know, and too often ignore, hustle and bustle is not a true indication of efficiency.

So you might as well lean back in a comfy chair. Stop running around the room like a squirrel hunting for those acorns he buried last fall. Just sit down already! 

Creative alertness is so important in these highly competitive days when so many of us in the nature of things, must "take it sitting down."

Now that is profound. Poetic, almost. Or maybe like something out of "Death of a Salesman." So many of us in the nature of things must take it sitting down. The great ineffable IT. The Tan-Sad Posture Chair is like - like the Arthur Miller of office furniture!

But why is it Tan? Why is it Sad? Perhaps it does not like being tan. It wanted to be red like a fire engine. Or perhaps it senses that you dislike your job. And it may be disappointed in your lack of efficiency. Or maybe it had aspirations beyond those of being a Posture Chair and itself feels like a cog in the wheel (here comes the meta-chair* part!). It really wanted to be an Executive Desk. And it hates people sitting in its lap. That would make it Sad.

It ought not to be sad, though, for it is the Lap of Efficiency. When you sit on the Tan-Sad's lap you will become successful and efficient and have "an orderly mind." Although it is a bit of an odd concept, Chair As Lap. I am not sure how efficient anyone is when sitting on a lap, really.


*Or meta-fiction.  Meta-something, anyway.


[Thanks so much to Vintage Ads for this British ad from 1959.]

Amazing Profitable Adventures, Now With Radio Parts Grab Bag!

We haven't had an opportunity for retro Big Profits in a very long time, so here are some terrific ones from 1946:

-Mr. Luck has some Amazing New Magic Dice for you! You can do "amusing tricks" and have all kinds of fascinating fun - full of quotation marks, that is. You will exert "control" and do "magic" tricks - Mr. Luck is hedging his bets, I suspect. And look, he is from Chicago! Of course. Longtime readers have been to Chicago many times before - you can click that Retro Chicago tag at the bottom of the post for more of this kind of thing (I ought to get a tag cloud going, or something to make it easier to navigate here, I know! I know!)

-And who doesn't love a grab bag? Sounds like a birthday party right there. This Radio Parts Grab Bag will be ideal for all your  - um, Radio Parts Parties. Marko guarantees that this will be "an experimenter's dream." Oh boy, let the fun commence. And Marko - he's from Chicago too!

There is more Chicago at the end...so we will just notice in passing that:

-Your hand will succeed in pointing when it gets that Business Mail Order Catalogue. It's from Opportunity Department 41 - I guess they finally got it right. But what happened to the other 40 departments?

-That hand will go on to make Gems with the Gem Maker and have "a profitable adventure" (hopefully not in the machinery, please be careful!)

-And then you can spend some downtime reading about how Kit C. Vickrey keeps Profitable Rabbits - they are making gems and selling things by mail, no doubt. Clever of them.

But finally - back in Chicago, you can get yourself a mysterious-looking Instructograph. It will teach you some code and it is "always ready" to give you lots of confusing homework. Sounds great, right? Comes with headphones and strange coil-like bits that will confuse you even more. You may even forget that you have no idea what sort of code the Instructograph is teaching you.

From Popular Science, March 1946.

Nothing Rallie Happens

The lady pictured here, like thousands of other women (and men) across the country, is practising a new, simple, safe and altogether delightful method of figure and health culture that has put the old, arduous "daily dozen"* right out of fashion.

Well, if it works for a two-dimensional line drawing, it'll work for you. Obviously! And it really does look altogether delightful, wearing a bunch of cords around your midsection and pulling them nice and tight. Sure, that is just what will get us all back into shape.

Here is a method of gentle self-massage that will fascinate you.

Umm - OK. Steady on there, Rallie Health Appliances! Let's not wander off into the byways of "fascinating self-massage." I am sure that you did not proofread this. You just meant that we will  "ease the inches away."

Ta-ta, inches! Maybe they get so fascinated that they wander off across the room to read the FREE illustrated booklet that comes with the Rallie Massage Belt. Although I think that it is quite clear what you do with it: you yank on the cords! Because it is actually a corset.

But what happens when you let go of those cords? You probably turn into a human boomerang. Now that's fascinating and delightful!

From a lovely British magazine called My Home, December 1955 - right next to the ad for mince pie drenched in Bird's Custard!

*These must be strenuous, not-altogether-delightful exercises.

Baby Jim's All Paid For Now

This is a fun couple. Meet Ruth and - I don't know his first name, Ruth calls him Dear or Darling.

They are crazy, impulsive spenders - even though it's the middle of the Depression (1934 to be precise). They are sort of the Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald of the maternity ward. What a thought. The Jazz Age is well and truly over, but Dear Darling just got a job with the New Deal, so it's baby-shoppin' time!

Baby Jim was the biggest, shiniest baby in the hospital, and they just had to have him. And now it's time to start handing over the money for him. Babies don't grow on trees, you know, and neither does money.

Too bad they didn't just go out and get some stuff that does grow on trees: apples are good. Plums. Quite a few fruits, really. But that wasn't fancy enough!

Alas, that New Deal job is about to go south, because of an Old Problem. If you have followed some of the other Lifebuoy soap operas on Kitchen Retro (and if not, you can check them out via the links at the end, hint hint) - then you can guess what this is: BO! Oh Ruth, why didn't you tell him? How did you get up close enough to make that baby - oh, oh I see. That's why they had to go out and buy one.

And once Darling started scrubbing with Lifebuoy, he got himself a raise. Boy, they must have been ecstatic down at the office. He comes swaggering home to brag: "Baby Jim's All Paid For Now." To which Ruth replies, "We'll soon be on Easy Street." That's where they'll be shopping for more stuff, no doubt. Don't forget to put more soap on the shopping list.

How about the big picture, over on Ad Access? Here you go! And thank you Ad Access, this is a Lifebuoy classic.

More Lifebuoy drama? Why not:

Lifebuoy Meets World
The Old and the Odorous
Imitation of Lifebuoy
Three Heads Are Better Than One
Put the Blame on Jane

Kruschen Down the Highway

Helen took some Kruschen salts
Chugged three bottles down
Lost a lot of weight
But didn't lose her frown

'Cause that's a lot of salt, my dear
To guzzle every day
No wonder Helen wears a face
Full of polite dismay.

She drank her Kruschen and cut out
Chomping on fatty meats
And pastries and potatoes went
The way of all fleshy treats.

But now, in losing all that bulk
She has become instead
Of someone with a normal build -
A disembodied head.

And so she advertises for
The magic salt of Kruschen
Extolling her body while bodiless -
An optical illusion.


[From LiveJournal.]

Want more Kruschen confusion? Well, why not. Here's another Kruschen ad, featuring a really crabby man you would never want to go to the theater with.

Ivanhoe the Terrible

No one knows what men like more than an animated teaspoon, right? Meet Mr. T. Spoon, who seems to be a chef along the lines of the mustard-obsessed Hot Dan. You remember Hot Dan. He is frantically jolly and adds dollops of hot mustard to whatever dish he happens upon. Could be dessert, could be a sandwich. You never know with Hot Dan.

If it would help Ivanhoe, I would suggest that Hot Dan be called in to form a cartoon culinary think tank with Mr.T. Spoon. But nothing can help this stuff. No, no. And neither men nor women can approve. Seriously, Mr. T., why do you suppose that men are going to like this? Because it comes out of a jar? Because it is easy to serve and easy to throw away after? Because men like macaroni? Why?

Now, women do not like Ivanhoe Macaroni Salad, from the get go. That is because - well, it is gross. I mean, look at it.

Macaroni can only - as far as I know - be boiled. Not "deliciously cooked." And there is mayonnaise involved. And it comes in a jar. And it is "wonderful by itself." Which means it will be most wonderful if you leave it by itself in the grocery store.

And as for the Redi-Salad and the Teaspoon Onions - no, please, no. Nothing that begins with Redi ever came to any good.* And as for your little onions - please, Mr. T., keep those to yourself.

A thousand teaspoons of thanks to TJS Labs for this classic from 1947.

*I know, Reddi-Whip might be all right, sometimes. Possibly. As long as you don't go overboard like Sally (click on the link for her disturbing little story).

Almost A Party On Swanson Night

Hey, Happy Birthday, kid! Blow out the candle and make a wish. I wish this TV Dinner looked like they do in the ads. Say, that's a good wish. But don't hold your breath. TV dinners were famous for their wrinkled peas in I-Can't-Believe-It's-Butter-Sauce, sad pieces of meat and deflated desserts. Yum.

This ad is from 1968. I ate a lot of these TV dinners in the late 60s - not this one, though, I would remember a muffin. With or without a candle. And then the year after this, there was the TV Dinner Incident:

Our 2nd grade teacher had decided that it would be very educational for us to go around the room and everyone would share insights about What Their Mommy Made For Dinner (Daddies did not make dinner in 1969, but you knew that, right?). Everyone said all sorts of things - oh, you know. Pot roast, roast chicken, roast this and that, tuna noodle casserole, I don't know. Things you had to fiddle with and put together from scratch.

And then it was my turn. I got up and said my mommy's specialty was TV Dinners. That's what she really liked to make! Honestly. And you know, I get it, I really do. And I didn't mind. It wasn't actually every single day, though that was the impression I gave, of course. Then I went home and told her, very happily, what I'd said. She wasn't totally thrilled.

But we still went on celebrating Swanson Night, of course.

[Advertisement from Life, April 5, 1968.]