A Wild and Crazy Record

Troy Cory has a little - well - proposition for you. He's going to sing for you. And this is what you are going to do:

Dine by it. Dance by it. Romance to it. Work with it. Relax to it - and even discuss it.

Um, OK. I could eat a sandwich near it and then do the Peppermint Twist. And I could work with it - as long we can communicate directly. If we can't, I'll be discussing it behind its back, all right.

Now, if you don't have speakers in the bedroom, Troy will not be singing - no matter how much you plead, or how much money you send in. The records simply will not emit sound if you don't have a ginormous hi-fi system set up in there.

And it must be a quadrophonic system, too. The goth in white satin over on the right is actually a qualified sound engineer and will be checking up on you.

It also helps to be a 70s guy who wears gold medallions and call women chicks and foxes. Just like the Two Wild and Crazy Guys on Saturday Night Live. This is exactly the sort of record they would have, isn't it?

Perhaps you will make friends with two foxes, like Troy! That will be interesting, especially if his girlfriend shows up at the recording studio. It will be the Closest He Ever Came to A Black Eye.

I would also like to direct you to the dubious song titles. Personally, I don't think that a song called "I Must Remind Myself To Cry" sounds very romantic. Sounds like an ode to a To-Do list. Although the song I tend to sing is called I Must Remind Myself To Vacuum. And "It's Impossible" evokes not romance, but the age-old problem of trying to load the dryer and write at the same time.

P.S. For a Special Bonus Troy will sing even more songs. Including - in Column B - "Light My Fire." That would be pretty special, to hear his version of that.

From Popular Science, of all things, October 1973. And the picture of the Wild and Crazy Guys is from snlparty.com.

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Thank you so much to vanilla at String Too Short To Tie for the J'Adore Tien Blog award!

The Dishonor Roll

No good is going to come out of this, is it?

For $3.50 you can buy a thousand pieces of fake - OK, counterfeit - money, and make them into one giant roll. A 1920s financial futomaki roll of play money.

And then what? Why, you start "flashing [it] at the proper time and peeling a genuine bill or two from the outside of the roll."

You can see how stunned the fellow on the left is. This is just the sort of impression you want to make.

"The effect created will be found to be all that can be desired." So basically, you can start deceiving people just as soon as the nice folks at the novelty company can mail you the fake money. Just imagine the possibilities! A life of deception, criminal activity and possible jail time could be yours, just by purchasing this item.

So dig through your old Monopoly set and find some nice white dollar bills to send to Johnson Smith and Co. in Racine, Wisconsin. I'm sure they won't mind. Just roll them up, stick a real dollar bill on top and put it in the mail. That's sure to make a great impression.

[Johnson Smith and Co. had a full page ad with many things like this - actually even worse stuff, which we can get to later - and it's from Popular Mechanics, November 1926.]

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This is a belated contribution to Retro Tuesdays under the gracious retro aegis of Tracy at Crazy Suburban Mom. If you would like to make your Tuesday Retro also - and really, why wouldn't you? - you can go over there and join in, too.

Coffee and Banquettes

This place is a restaurant and just to make sure you realize this, the sign outside says "Restaurant Restaurant." It's twice as good as anywhere else in Dallas in the 1950s. In town or in the country!

And I especially love the banquette seating that wraps around that central pillar. I'll have my cocktails there, please.

I'll be having a Country Club, which according to my Jimmy of Ciro's cocktail recipe book - from the 1930s - is made with 1 part French vermouth, 1 part Bacardi Rum and a teeny dash of Orange Curacao.

The Cowboy cocktail, which is also appropriate here at the Restaurant Restaurant, is made of 2 parts whisky to 1 part cream. That might be nice mixed with coffee, later on, since it is National Coffee Day. (Thank you so much to Louise at Months of Edible Celebrations for this info, otherwise I would have been swigging coffee all day not realizing that I was actually celebrating something as well as dosing myself with caffeine. I always like this kind of multi-tasking.)

So - scratch the Country Clubs and let's have Irish Cowboy Coffees instead.

And thanks to coltera at Flickr for the fabulous postcard!

Put the Blame On Jane

Poor Jane. Look at her, she's so worried about why Bob can't seem to get ahead at the office:

"Tell me, Grace, your husband works in the same office as Bob - what is the matter?...he just doesn't seem to fit in."

Grace puts on her little Green Elf Thinking Cap and tells her why. It's all over the office - and she doesn't mean gossip. "B.O. is something no one will excuse." Well, except Jane. But how could she not have noticed that Bob stinks worse than Plan 9 From Outer Space? Because she buys crummy soap, that's why. This interferes with her olfactory sense. Guilty as charged!

So, cue the usual comic strip Lifebuoy ad: (a) wife stocks bathroom with Lifebuoy, (b) guy in shower, looking happy, (c) guy gets "fine promotion" and (d) everything's peachy - plus she ends up using it too, so they can be hygienic together. Very romantic.

However! Here comes the dark subtext, and it packs a punch: Are Wives To Blame?

Hint: The answer is Yes.

Because Bob actually says that he used to use Lifebuoy before they were married! And Jane thinks: yep, all my fault! I am the one to blame. So this is really a rhetorical question. Of course they think Wives Are To Blame.

Why Doesn't He Get Ahead? It's not the three-hour martini lunches, or the mixup with the Frozen Fish Fingers account (Bob took them out for steak and spent the whole time talking about how much he hates seafood). It's because you are buying the wrong soap, sister.

Fine. Fine. Just remember, Lifebuoy Boys: wives can go out and buy Camay or Sunlight - which come without Bonus Guilt. And without that Free Pamphlet, "How to Self-Torture," Included with Every Purchase.

Here's a link to the large version at Ad Access, so you can drink in all the dialogue.

Getting Set For Life

Store Owner: Can I help you, sir? Don't get many Foreign Legion officers round these parts, you know. Maybe I can interest you in some sun lotion...

Salesman: Well, actually I have an Amazing New Business and I am sure you'd like to see what I've got here. Take a gander at these Counter Card Goods!

Store Owner: What in tarnation are Counter Card Goods supposed to be?

Salesman: Well...I don't rightly know. But I was told that this is part of my Big-Pay Route.

Store Owner: I see. What else you got there?

Salesman: I have 200 products! How about some aspirin?

Store Owner: We sell that already, sir. This is a general store.

Salesman: OK, what about razor blades? Or even better: Chocolated Laxatives! No one can resist a Chocolated Laxative. I know I can't.

Store Owner: I'm sorry, we have razor blades. And laxatives, both chocolated and plain. We are ready for anything, sir!

Salesman: But - but - we're supposed to make up to 140% profit on this, both of us! This is an amazing new business - that's what the World's Products folks down in Spencer, Indiana, say in their big catalog...[Leaves store, furrowing brow deeply] Can't think what's went wrong there. Hmmm. Must be the hat.

Matchmaker to the Socks

I'm going to be trying out a few memes over the next few weeks, tweaking them to have a retro cast because this is turning out to be a catchall-retro blog. I just really like old pop culture, I guess. But this is the Friday Frustrations meme - brought to you by Conversations With Moms - so we're going to talk about something I don't really like. Something, in a word, frustrating.

How 'bout socks? I like socks in general because they keep feet warm and dry and fairly happy.

But why oh why oh why:

- Do socks always hide when they go in the wash? I always end up with odd socks when they come out of the dryer. And I don't think they're hiding in there on the side because I look. They're gone! They must sneak out the back door when I'm not looking.

- Do they pill and get all stringy in the most annoying places, like across the inside of the toes? That's no good.

- Do high socks sag like W.C. Fields' jowls? Retro socks mean droopy high socks to me. Socks with almost no elastic in the tops. Green ugly Girl Scout Socks. Navy or white plastic-knit socks (you know the kind of plasticky yarn I mean) that were around your ankles ten minutes after you started walking to school. Talk about frustrating!

-Oh, and one more thing. I'm just tired of pairing up socks. Matchmaker to the Socks! Ugh, such a bore. And they don't even come back and tell you good dating gossip. Mind you, what would that be like? 'He was too linty and needs darning - find me someone newer!'.

Image from Graphic Design - TJS Labs. Look at how this lady has dealt with her sock frustration by cutting them all into fringe and making a lovely dress out of them!

[I'll catch up with the old postcards next week, on a random day. The retro recipe might move around a bit, too. Wow, talkin' 'bout a revolution...]

All About Eve's Makeup

Eve's To Do List, 1945

1. Make the snake sit on your head to mimic a cunning little hat. Bribe it with the promise of a makeover.

2. Put a gold buckle on its head. Ignore hissing and protesting. Tell snake you know a thing or two more about fashion than it does.

3. Put dusting powder all over the Garden of Eden, to brighten it up.

4. Put a nice shiny red apple in middle of powder. Give it a sidelong sultry look. Ignore snake's sarcastic remarks about people who think they are like movie stars just because they spill powder on the ground and try to impress pieces of fruit.

5. Put moisturizing cream on snake to beautify scaly skin. Hope that it will shut snake up.

6. Apply Revlon's new Fatal Apple Lipstick. Fatal? Wait - maybe you should dress up like Snow White! Ignore snickering from snake on head.

From Ad Access.

The Awful Waffle

Apparently it's Waffle Night at the Joneses. And if you want to keep up with them (and you know you do) - you're going to have to haul out the waffles, too. Hey, that rhymes. But this isn't a poetry post. I'll do an ode to Duff's next time (there are more Duff's ads to mock, you know).

And what are the Joneses jonesing for on their waffles? Creamed peas. "No meat, but everyone's happy." Is that what they told you, Mrs. Jones? Perhaps you are just misinterpreting that nervous laughter that's going around the table.

I seriously doubt that anyone has said that they are happy about creamed peas on a waffle for dinner. Are we sure the phrase isn't "throwing up with the Joneses"?

Thanks, but I think I won't keep up with them after all.

There is even more Duff's Waffle Mix fun over here, from the summer of 2008.

[Thank you to TJS Labs Graphic Design for this one, from a 1943 Woman's Day.]

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And thank you so much to Mommy Kennedy at The Frugal Kennedys for the best Blog Award!

And also: I have disabled Entrecard ads. I'll let the already-bought ones run and then I am leaving Entrecard. Not a fan of the sponsored ads. How about you? Do tell in the comments!

I'll be bookmarking and subscribing to lots of EC friends, so it isn't goodbye at all. And I'll have more time to visit, comment and - you know - actually write stuff.

The Wedge and the Wooden Spoon

I was working on a history post and came across this charming little picture in an ad for a Victorian slang dictionary. And that made me wonder: what on earth is a Wedge and Wooden Spoon?

So this will be the slang of the week. It was British university slang in the 19th century. The Wedge was the person at the bottom of the Classical Tripos at Cambridge - after Wedgwood, the man in the first graduating class (1824) who occupied that position. Later bottom-of-the-class grads were first nicknamed Wedgwoods, which later became Wooden Wedge. And the Wooden Spoon? He was the person who did the worst in the Mathematical Tripos.

The Tripos is the term used to refer to final exams for the bachelor's degree at Oxford and Cambridge. it is supposed to have been derived from the term for the three-legged stool the student sat in during his exams.

The Wedge and Spoon certainly look happy enough in the little cartoon, though.

The cartoon is from an ad for Slang Dictionary: or, the Vulgar Words, Street Phrases and "Fast" Expressions of High and Low Society (the ad is in James Russell Lowell's The Biglow Papers [1863], p. 202). This is a book that I am very anxious to read (and will, since it is digitzed), since I always like to know just what to say in High and Low Society!

Sources

Gooch, Richard. Nuts To Crack: or, Quips, Quirks and Facete of Oxford and Cambridge (1835), p. 197

Partridge, Eric and Paul Beal. A Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English (2002), p. 1349.

Mabel and Kemt

Once upon a time there was a princess with really curly hair, named Mabel.

When she was born, everybody went over to her parents' split-level castle, and brought gifts. Fancy ten-speed stroller with attached cappuccino maker, designer diapers, Baby's First Grant Proposal CD-ROM - you know the drill. But Mrs. Kemt, the hairdresser who lived across the street, was having a really Bad Hair Day and was not in a gifty mood. So she said that the little Princess was going to grow up and have Problem Hair. She would, in fact, be UN-Kemt.

And cackling with glee at her funny joke, the evil hair lady drifted off to snag a piece of wacky cake and duck out the back door.

Mabel's anxious parents bought her every kind of fancy shampoo, conditioner and mousse on the market, and her mother spent hours on Mabel's unruly hair. But Mabel liked her hair, and found the fuss rather tiresome.

One day, when she was a teenager, she wandered into a beauty parlor after school and found an old lady giving another old lady a blue rinse. "Let me try doing that," Mabel said, for she had never seen a person with blue hair before. But when she put her hands in the basin, her hair curled up and out in all sorts of funny angles and just stayed that way. The old hairdresser (who of course was Mrs. Kemt) laughed her head off, because she had been looking forward to this for a long time.

Mabel shrugged and went home to have a nap. She had never given two beans about her hair. It was her mom who was nutty about it. Mabel heaved a sigh and crashed out in her room.

It seemed like a hundred years later (but it was really about 20 minutes) when a large can of hairspray appeared like magic by her bedside. It was called Kemt Magic Mist and was under the illusion that it was an Enchanted Prince (but that is another story). "Hey, wake up, I need to restore your hair's lustre. On the double!"

Mabel sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Huh? What - how did a giant hairspray can get in here - Mooommm!! Mom sent you, didn't she?"

"No, no - see, you need to use me and then I turn into a handsome prince. Remember all the fairy tales? It's - errr - like that."

Mabel read the can label. "Hey - you must be related to that weirdo Mrs. Kemt across the street. No thanks - I like my hair just the way it is. Springy! Natural." She hopped out of bed and had a look in the mirror. "Just a little brushing and - see? Looks great." And indeed, with a little brushing, her hair (as if by magic) settled into its normal curls. "Bye now! I have to run."

"A grant proposal, I presume," said the Kemt Magic Mist, in as sarcastic a tone as the aerosol attachment would allow. And it heaved a sigh and went off in search of more manageable heads.

[Many thanks to VintageAds; this is from Vogue, May 1949.]

Dancing With the Leftovers

It's just not her night, is it? Sitting on a plate with a parsley corsage, trying to make small talk to a chicken bone and some cold mashed potatoes. She's a leftover!

If only she'd sent for the Pickwick Company's guides on how to teach yourself to dance in only 15 minutes a day. Tip Top Tap Dancing, for example. That'd be perfect for a party - just tippy tap right off the plate and into the middle of all the couples clutching each other. Instant social success!

Just follow the little shoe outlines in the booklet. Piece of cake, right? Hold the booklet in one hand and look down at your feet and...huh. Maybe that's not so easy.

Tell the green peas to save you a spot on the plate, just in case.

From Tomorrow's Heroes Comic Ads.

Congealed Evidence

How did I miss this? I mean, this is truly cutting edge stuff! Mixed Vegetable Jell-O and Celery Jell-O. For vegetable salads! For people who just - can't get enough vegginess in their wobbly green molded gelatin.

Naturally I wanted to know all about this bizarre trend and how long it lasted before it went away.

Wikipedia has a list of discontinued flavors, and includes Italian Salad flavor (ugh) and Mixed Vegetable, but fails to mention Celery.

Kraft Foods has a Jell-O timeline and they mention that the 1960s saw the introduction of a Gelatin For Salads line which included Celery, Italian Salad, Mixed Vegetable and Seasoned Tomato (click the 1953 button to reveal all). That's because the "congealed salad" (such a yum-evoking name!) was so popular then. You would have thought "jellied salad" would have been a better choice of phrase, wouldn't you? Jellies are bouncy and light and potentially fun. Congealed things? Makes you think of the out-of-date cottage cheese in the back of the fridge.

Just to the right is a 1968 congealed salad recipe from one of my most prized retro cookbooks, Favorite Recipes Of Jaycees' Wives: Salads. And it actually calls for this veggie-flavored Jell-O. And vinegar. And Worcestershire sauce. Topped with mayonnaise.

If that salad is symbolic in any way of the 20th century, I'm glad we're well into the 21st.

The lovely green-dominated ad is from Wandering Magpie at Flickr. There are also some good pictures and fine talk about weird Jell-O flavors - including the veggie ones - over here at the Roadfood forums. And over at Mental Floss, veggie Jell-O has some worthy (read: disturbing and gross) company.

Want more Jaycee salady goodness? Hey, why not! Live it up and check out these astonishing dispatches from the back-of-the-cupboard archives of Kitchen Retro (and yes, Krunchy Goo is the actual name of a salad):

Potluck With Lucrezia Borgia
Krunchy Goo, Where Are You?
Pickle Stretcher Salad

A Screme Come True

Does he or doesn't he? My guess is that he doesn't...

-He doesn't have a mirror.

-He doesn't have a makeup man. Because he's clearly an escapee from the sort of Z movie where you do your own special effects and pack a lunch.

-And he doesn't want to wait until Halloween to try out that great mask and wig he got from the drugstore.

However:

-He does seem to find the Screme box rather enchanting. Well, the crown is colorful. And the joke name - well, that's a riot, too. Although it really ought to read Mr. Scairol.

-He does look like he has a few things on his mind. If only he knew what they were!

-And he does have a small red "Werewolverine" head escaping that oddly sculpted-looking wig of his. An inflamed pimple masquerading as Elvira, perhaps. What does she want?

(Rhetorical question - I don't really want to know.)

Many thanks to Weirdomatic for this one. This looks like a parody ad from a comic book, probably 1960s or early 70s vintage. If you have a better idea than I do, do tell in the comments.

For the Arsonist Who Has Everything

It's so hard to know what to get that arsonist on your Christmas list, isn't it? Or even just people who like to live dangerously. They're tough to shop for.

Well, here is the Combination Cigarette Case and Lighter with Amazing Magic Action! It is "beautifully packaged and guaranteed." Guaranteed to cause accidents and at least minor damages, that is.

"Attracts attention wherever used." I'll bet it does, too. Especially from the local Fire Department.

From Billboard, that cornucopia of weird cheapo things, January 10, 1948. And it was made in Chicago, where so many wonderfully strange things were made, way back when.

Flattery Will Get You Everywhere

Here's the plan. Buy up a lot of Kleenex. And paper towels. And toilet paper. Go crazy, why don't you.

Because after you stock up, there's a whole lot of sybaritic fun in store. You can get a free imitation-gold pin, that's what.

Or maybe you really want to splash out. If so, you can "have yourself a spree" and order up all six pins with "Florentine gold color finish." This is guaranteed to last at least a week before it rubs off.

Then sit back - and let the flattery begin!

The Leaf Star will tell you that you're the real star. It is insincere flattery though. The Leaf Star is aware of who is and is not a star. And unless you have the word 'star' in your name, it isn't you.

The Circle Pin will talk in, well - circles. You're great, really really great! Did they mention how great you are? Oh, that reminds them....you're great!

The Golden Puppy will just bark excitedly. Just tell it to calm down before there's an accident. What sort of accident could this possibly be? Maybe the gold finish comes off all at once, who knows? This may be where all the paper goods come in handy.

The Double Wishbone is the symbolic equivalent of flattering someone while crossing fingers behind one's back. Don't believe anything it says.

The Joyful Dancer is too busy dancing joyfully to talk to you. And joyful dancing (or any dancing) is not easy when you're frozen in place. So please don't interrupt.

The Leaf Cluster is forever in a huddle, trying to come to a consensus. They all want to say different things. You will hear arguing, not flattery.

And if you do go on that spree and buy all six - do they all talk at once, or do they take turns?

[Thank you so much to Graphic Design -TJS Labs for this one, which is from 1965.]

A Staten Island Of the Mind

Greetings from this week's destination, the Hylan Motel in the not-so-highlands - or hylans - of Staten Island (or Eylan). Yeah, OK. That's enough fun with the name. Maybe even too much fun.

Moving on...

You won't be at all surprised to learn that this motel was on Hylan Boulevard, one of the main north-south roads on the Island (which is one of the five boroughs of New York City).

I went on a field trip to a museum on Staten Island, back in the early 1970s. We took a school bus from Manhattan and the bus got on the Staten Island ferry with us in it. Then on Staten Island, the bus got lost and we went around and around a roundabout. The crossing guard waved to us each time we passed her. When we got to the museum it was not really a museum and the curator (of sorts) was a little old lady who yelled at us.

We did not get to see the Hylan Motel, but it was still pretty good fun. Except, of course, for the yelling part.

Judging once again from the enormity of the white car in the background, and the sign extolling the air conditioning, this probably dates from the 1950s. From the NYPL Digital Gallery.

And here is a fun little home movie shot at New Dorp, Staten Island about 1940. The pharmacist and his pals are really funny - check out the guy with the pipe. He's quite a dude, is he not?

The Neverending Coffee

Old Shirt: Hey! Hey, lady!...Excuse me, do you think you could turn around for a minute?

Dirty Pot (stage whisper, from sink): Ahh, what's the use, she ain't listening to you. You're a Banlon shirt flapping around on a hanger.

Old Shirt: Oh, like you're a big expert, you with the Kraft Dinner mustache sitting on top of a frying pan.

Dirty Pot: Well, I've been around this kitchen a little bit longer than you, buddy boy. And I can tell you, when she's slurping Folger's, there's no talking to her.

Old Shirt: Too bad we don't get Folger's down at the office. Then maybe Biff would shut up once in awhile. He complains all day about his stupid In drawer. You oughta hear him whine! And he's wearing me. No getting away for a little nap in a dark cupboard, like some folks.

Dirty Pot: Aw, forget it. Just shut up. She'll be done in a minute. I know that cup and lemme tell you, it's a lot smaller than it looks.

Old Shirt: No such luck, she's got twelve jars of Folger's on the counter over there. Looks like we'll be here awhile.

[Many thanks to David Middlecamp at Photos From the Vault (fabulous photos from the archives of the San Luis Obispo Tribune) for this 1958 gem.]

Uncool and Not Solid

Hey, here's a little something that teens will love!
A tomato red dress, a lifeguard above,
A really tight suit that's all kinds of wrong
For a gal who's been out in the sun too long.

Laughing and laughing: what is funny, and why?
Is it fun to be watched by some weird hand-drawn guy?
He isn't that solid, and you can't be cool,
Whoever thought that up was kind of a fool.

They're stuck in that sand like it's made of cement
Fun without freedom: is that what they meant?
To stand out in the sun in Colonial Frocks
Is less fun than a barrel of sedimentary rocks.

'Cool and Solid' could be a deodorant, perhaps -
Not tight formal dresses on two laughing saps;
This must be a bad dream, alas never stopping
After too much sun, or a rough day of shopping.

Thanks to Uh...Bob at Flickr for this one.

You're Gonna Drink Tang In A Gemini Dream

Ah, Tang. The artificial-orange drink powder that the astronauts (supposedly) packed in their lunch bags when they went to the moon in 1969. Also the drink that my mother sent me off to college with eleven years later. I guess going to college was tantamount to lunar travel in her mind. Minus the attractive silver space suit, of course. Instead, I had an L.L. Bean down vest and a woolly sweater and jeans.

Here are ten things you might not know about Tang (with bonus recipe links, yum!):

1. You can clean your dishwasher by running Tang through it. Yes, it's true - there's enough citric acid in Tang to make a dishwasher sparkle (just think what it's doing to your insides...).

2. It was invented by William A. Mitchell in 1957 and first sold in 1959. Mitchell further contributed to the culinary zeitgeist by inventing Pop Rocks, Cool Whip and quick-set Jell-O. A junk food hero!

3. You can make a lovely dessert out of it - here's Miss Suzi's recipe for Tang Pie.

4. Tang has been forever linked to the US space program, ever since 1965's Gemini mission. The Gemini astronauts used it to improve the taste of the water. This became the big advertising image, the mighty space explorers fortifying themselves with space-age ersatz-orange deliciousness - check out the ad at the top of the post!

5. However, the Apollo 11 astronauts did not swig Tang when they went to the moon in July 1969. They took a grapefruit-orange drink mix, according to Wikipedia. I don't know what that was called.

6. Tang is still being made but it now comes in 38 flavor including Strawberry, Lime and Mango. And you can get a sugar-free (although not chemcial-free) version, too. Healthy!

7. Several years ago, methadone clinics began mixing Tang into the methadone to discourage recovering addicts from abusing the former, reasoning that they would not inject themselves with Tang. This was still in the Health Canada guidelines as late as 1994, see page 11 here. Methadone clinics became known as Tang wagons.

8. The name Tang comes from "tangerine." But why not "orange"? I guess Orang sounds a little too much like orangutan.

9. Speaking of which: an A-Rang-O-Tang is a drink made with rum, coconut and banana schnapps (among other things). Or you can mix Tang with Jim Beam and make a Moon Beam.

10. The powdered-beverage purists can drink Tang plain, of course. Tang may be served hot or cold, or in a smoothie. Most people drink it cold. Russian Tea is made of instant tea mix, Tang and spices. This used to be a popular hostess gift.

Here's what I did with all the Tang (early 1980s, orange and grape) my mother sent to school with me: I gave it to my college roommate. She liked it pretty well.

I think.

Do you have any Tang recipes or memories? Did anyone else's mom buy this? I guess someone had to. The 1971 Grape Tang coupon is from Jason Liebig at Flickr. And the Gemini ad is from AdFreak. And in honor of the Tang/Gemini connection, a little song from the Moody Blues from 1981 - not inspired by Tang or the space program. It did inspire my title though. There's the connection (I knew there was one in there somewhere):

The Valedictorian

Strike up "Pomp and Circumstance" on the stereo - it's Graduation Day. And the valedictorian of the Class would like to welcome you to the kitchen auditorium with a few words:

I couldn't be more thrilled to graduate to a flameless electric range. And as I look at all the little faces of the cans in the cupboards, who have gathered here today in my honor - I must tell you, it is perfectly overwhelming.

I put on extra mascara today, because I knew that I would be crying hysterically with joy over my oven. More mascara means more drama! Plus I will be doing the Maybelline makeup-remover ad after this one.

And I've got Groucho Marx glasses from last Halloween. And a mortarboard, too. I made that out of an earless Mickey Mouse hat (size extra small), a piece of black cardboard and an old curtain tassel. I will probably win the Most Creative Craft Project award for that. I don't believe any of the canned goods in my class made anything to rival that.

Yes, it's fabulous to graduate to this oven. A truly special moment. How many people have the privilege of dressing up like idiots to look at the inside of an oven, while laughing maniacally?

And I'm pleased to tell you that I'll be attending graduate school in the fall. I'll be majoring in Fridge Studies, with a concentration in Ancient Leftovers.

Camp Soup: Not At Camp. And Not Soup.

This little cooking secret is from a book called (not surprisingly) Cooking Secrets (1934) It was written by Anna Lee Scott, a 1930s and 40s Canadian Betty Crocker.

Please note the following:

- It isn't served at a camp or even a "camp." If we are camping we do not use the blue and white china.

-And if we are not at a campsite, why pretend? Surely not for the grand cuisine.

-And it is not soup. It is canned vegetables lurking under toasted bread cubes.

-Finally, thanks for the tip about serving the Not-at-Camp Un-Soup "very hot." Although at this point, I do not think that this will help much.

The Sound of One Shoe Clapping

This is a fun ad from the Toronto Star in 1951. It raises the age-old question: how does one sell a pair of boring and, let's be honest, clunky shoes?

First, make up some really snazzy slogans: "Time Tested" and "Sincere Service."

In other words, you'll be stuck with them forever since they never wear out. You can test them until the end of time, basically. And when they sell them to you, they won't try and pretend the shoes are exciting and stylish. They're sincere. They know that those are boring clunky shoes.

Next comes a little alliteration: Walk in Comfort with Clapp's Correct Shoes. Look at all those words beginning with C! It's like beautiful poetry. Sort of.

Plus you will be able to see a "New Free Fall Style" pretty soon. So you can literally go into a free fall in these - they are ideal, it would seem, for parachuting around town in. Not sounding quite so clunky now, are they?

And if all that doesn't convince you, just think of all the jokes you can make about the name Clapp - at the same time that you're walking in comfort. Comfort and humor: that's hard to beat.

Good News From 1926

We all like a little good news, don't we? But this man's idea of something that will cheer you up is - unusual.

He looks like he's got something straight off the telegraph wire and Mae Morris, Girl Reporter, is taking notes because she's got the scoop of the day. Dateline New York: Sergeant's Mange Medicine has no tar odor!

Now you may be wondering what in the world is mange medicine, unless you are a dog owner. From the ad copy it appears that this is a shampoo. Mange is a contagious skin disease caused by mites. Dogs get mange. Humans, not so much - unless they did in the 1920s more than they do now. Fun with social history! There's a research project I'll be avoiding, that's for sure.

Actually, the Polk Miller Company made products for dogs, according to Katherine Grier in her 2006 book Pets In America: A History (p. 293) - and advertised Sergeant's as being good for dog owners and dogs alike. That's a nice way to bond, I guess - sharing mange shampoo.

From the New York Times, October 1926.

The Sultans of Cling

This is pretty revolutionary stuff. I mean, look what you can do with just one can of cling peaches and a tub of cottage cheese:

(1) You can put a peach half to the right of a lump of cottage cheese sprinkled with - toasted almond bits. Or maybe bacon bits. Brown bits of something, anyway. And there's some toast at 1 o'clock, trying to dominate the plate, edging towards the center.

(2) Now, here we have cottage cheese with small red cubes on top, surrounded by the exciting concept art that is sliced canned peaches. They sort of represent - infinity. The Great Circle of Fruit.

(3) This is cottage cheese as concept art - way ahead of its time. Here a dish of cottage cheese has been tie-dyed with red jam, and one lone Everypeach clings (as it were) to one side, symbolically askew, representing the struggle to amalgamate the self with a hostile and bizarre world. Either that or the peach is just trying not to fall off onto the floor.

The peach is just excited about this amazing new cuisine, I suspect. Or else it's trying to run away. One or the other.

This forward-looking 1960 ad is from Graphic Design-TJS Labs.

Stripes and Wagon Wheels

It's 1971 and you want to redecorate the living room. Well, here's a great idea from decorator/romance novelist* Barbara Taylor Bradford:

Stripes and postmodern wagon wheels.

Lots of stripes. Lots of wagon wheels. You can make those out of jumbo spaghetti and pink hula hoops. And you probably have lots of those lying around the house, anyway, right?

Add a few zebra pillows and wobbly white plastic tables from the back porch and you're all set.

Bradford calls this "a handsome room with masculine overtones....suggest[ing] movement and contrast...without distracting the eye." I don't know about you but I actually find it a little - distracting.

From Bradford's book Easy Steps to Successful Decorating, which is filled with pictures like this.

* Actually, Bradford's first novel, A Woman of Substance, did not come out until 1979. Prior to that she was primarily known as a decorating and fashion expert. She wrote a column called "Designing Woman" and had written two other books, The Complete Encyclopedia of Homemaking and Decorating To Please Him.

Radio Free Whiskers

This looks like a small vacuum cleaner, and it plows through whiskers like a farm implement - so naturally this is just the sort of thing you'll want to use on your face.

It was made by the Electro Tool Corporation of Racine, Wisconsin. It just sounds like they made farm implements, doesn't it? Or big power drills. Perhaps you could let your beard grow in sometimes and use this shaver to clear a few fields.

But here's what it really special about the WHISKer (aside from the cutesy name): there is "no radio interference." Just what you want in an electric razor, right? Because if you were plowing through that three-days' beard and all of a sudden, the razor began broadcasting Your Hit Parade, you might get a little bit startled, and cut yourself. That's no good.

Having said that, just think how popular you could be at parties if it did have radio interference. Noise-making or obnoxious novelties always guarantee this.

From Popular Mechanics, April 1949.

Coffee Talk

Chase and Sanborn coffee appears to contain a little too much caffeine. Or maybe they put some rocket fuel into their special blend.

What exactly is happening here?

(a) A lady's head was in the can, like a genie in a bottle. And when you open it - whoosh! Out she comes to grant you three wishes (first wish: make that head go away, it's freaking me out!)

(b) Some perky housewife opened the can and in so doing, her head popped off. That must have been a bit of a shock. And yet - she's still really perky, in a bemused, almost ironic way. She really wants that coffee, I guess - disembodied or not.

Or could it be

(c) The head and hands come with the can - and they open it for you. After all, the tagline says that the coffee "tells you it's fresher." Maybe the head is the spokesperson. "Yep," she is saying, "this stuff is really, really fresh. I know, I've been babysitting this thing since we left the factory. Whew, I'm glad it's open now and I can get out of here."

That would wake a person up in a hurry, definitely. No caffeine needed after all.

Many thanks to Retro Ads and Graphics for this 1956 ad.

Let Them Eat Jell-O

Yay, it's a birthday party in 1965! I suspect it's Charlie Brown's birthday, from the look of things. You'll see.

So we've played Pin the Tail on the Donkey and we've ground some popcorn into the carpet* and now it is time for the cake! Hope it's chocolate, everyone likes that.

But look! It isn't a cake at all - it's a Birthday Surprise. Also known as a ring of red Jell-O. That's the official flavor, by the way - red.

Sorry, but the ice cream in the middle doesn't make up for the gelatin ring sitting there all smug and wiggly. And the gumdrops don't help either. I notice that there are two candles on this Surprise. Is the lucky birthday child two? Or twenty? Either way, it just isn't going to work.

In keeping with the subtextual theme of Disappointment at this party: loot bags filled with plastic combs and Chiclets, a magician who pulls rabbit pellets out of a hat, and party hats made out of grey shirt cardboard.

This is from the 4th edition of The Joys of Jell-O, probably circa 1965.

*My friends and I actually did this at my 1968 birthday party. But we did not have any surprise Jell-O rings show up.

The I-Don't-Care Bears

Goldilocks and the Three Bras - err, Bears

It's common knowledge that a bear
Has no use for fashions in underwear
And so these three critters are not impressed
With how this floozy gal is dressed.

Goldilocks wanted to be a star
On Broadway or else at the local bar,
She's always auditioning for the chorus;
Who knows how she got into a forest?

Perhaps these bears are urbanites
Enraptured by the city lights.
They live above the Gotham Bar;
(What animals the tenants are...)

One night Goldie got off her waitress shift
And needed a little glucose lift;
Someone told her that, though they were rather funny,
The folks upstairs had plenty of honey.

She knocked on the door, but they were asleep
Dreaming of croquettes de Little Bo Peep;
And when guests wake you up at two in the morning,
You are likely to pounce without any warning.

A bear's mood swings are absolute,
And they do not find Formfit bras that cute;
And visions of glamour do not hold them back
When they wake and consider a midnight snack.

So Goldie, don't mess with a New York bear
While bragging about your underwear;
No bra protects you from ursine wrath -
Three bears, one bimbo: you do the math.

[Thank you to Heather for the ad.]

Shambolic Logic

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

And marriage? That means never having to say you're sorry you have to hang the wet laundry up inside the house.

Or perhaps it does.

Sheila is not having a good day at all. It's "another wet Monday" - of course it's Monday - and there she is with a big laundry basket brimming with soppy socks and drippy drawers. She has to fling it over the lampshades and hang it from the bedposts and the towel rack and shower rod. I mean, she can't toast it dry in the oven, right? Right. That's only logical.

Ah, but try explaining that to Roderick. Here he comes, marching in - in a tuxedo, it looks like - and pronounces the place a shambles.* Where's he been all day, a nightclub? He's lucky he doesn't get a wet sock right in the face!

The helpful, slightly smarmy friend in these little advertising dramas is supposed to show up about now, and there she is, right on cue. This one brags that although she lives in a tiny flat, her laundry is not a shambles. She has a Parnall Auto-Dry. The little minx! That's how she makes the time to go nightclubbing every day. Like Roderick. Hmmm.

...Next thing you know, Sheila has got him to buy her the very same Auto-Dry. We really can afford it, darling, she says. In other words: you'd better pony up, mister. Or else there'll be a nice, big wet blanket for you in next week's shambles.

[A big thank you to Amy at I Love Retro Things for the ad.]

******

And thank you to Traci of Just Bloggled (I love that name!) for this I Love Lucy award - I am a huge I Love Lucy fan; we have the entire DVD set of the series and watch them often. The picture in the award is from Lucy and Ethel's stint as candy makers, dipping cream centers in chocolate: "I'm a Big Dipper from way back." I'm as thrilled as Lucy is when she's about to get onstage at the Tropicana!

Live And Let Dye

You Know These Beautiful Women...

I don't, actually. One reason being that they are hiding the lower half of their faces. I don't really know why. Perhaps the Miss Clairol went on their chins. Maybe they all have ZZ Top beards. Maybe turkey neck is setting in.

All I know is that the blonde and the redhead are doing that sneaky-side-eyes thing that says: How soon can I bolt? If I run like the wind, maybe the photo will be really blurred. And then nobody will see my mouthful of fangs. Just the mop of Technicolored Dynel on top of my head. Still, better hold something up in front of my face, just to make sure.

And the brunette is just ignoring everything, because she's Very Busy reading the paper and keeping up with Current Events. Or she might be holding a white shopping bag up to her face. One or the other.

Miss Clairol would like you to stop wondering what's wrong with these gals' faces and notice that they don't sell anything as icky as hair dye or color - oh no! It is a hair color bath. A bath of Golden Apricot, or Flame, or Coffee. Not "dye" or "rinse." The quotation marks are theirs. They are very sensitive about this. Maybe the models were joking about hair dye and the Clairol Curse struck them, right in the mouth. Instant fangs and beards! So just be careful when you ask for this at the store.

From Ad Access.